Thursday, July 19, 2012

9 I Hate Kotex

As a pre-teen, "the talk" is just around the corner. I had no clue how close it actually was one summer morning. I was very confused during this time as I imagine most girls are. I started hearing rumors at school and all my friends started wearing sports bras. Emily McCrae stuffed hers with shoulder pads and I know this because when she flipped upside down on the swing, one fell out. Bad choice, Em.

I had no need to wear a sports bra. I was 9, skinny as a rail and apparently thought I was European because I didn't smile with teeth until I was about 13. Weird.
For some reason, my mom got a free Kotex pad sample in the mail. I have no clue why they would send a pad in the mail. I would never use a tampon that had gone through the U.S. Postal service, but I mean, that's just me.

I discovered the pad, had absolutely no clue what it was and got beyond pumped because it was the perfect shape, size and comfort level for a BEANIE BABY BED! HOLLA! I had a sickening amount of Beanie Babies. Over a hundred. In fact, I went into the attic last time I was home and counted over 30 dogs alone. I was always looking out for my Beanie Babies.

To my mom's horror, she came into my room and discovered Derby the horse resting on the Kotex pad.

"Uhhh Danielle......"
"LOOK MOM!" (I was super good at interrupting) "I found this in the mail for a bed! Can we get some more?" I proceeded to hand her the coupon that accomponied the pad. The coolest part about them was you could pull off a strip of plastic and make them stick wherever you wanted.

This is the point where I'm assuming my mom had an internal debate. Do I tell her or let it go? As a teacher, this is easy. When I get these questions from (mostly) girls, I let it go. It is simply not in my job description. "Ask your mom."

Now this was 1998. These days I'm pretty sure you have the talk shortly after your daughter's 3rd birthday. My mom knew it was about time and this was the perfect segway to tell me what pads were really for. It was either that or she wanted to save my social life. Ummm can you imagine someone walking into my bedroom, 20 pads on the floor with a single beanie baby in each?

The talk. I wanted to throw up. I couldn't look at my parents for like, 2 years. I would never really be able to play with my Beanie Babies again. A childhood robbed.

But a shout out to mom, you did a great job. Especially considering I was your guinea pig and you were completely blindsided.

And that is my traumatizing Kotex Beanie Baby Story. The End.


  1. This is awesome. I'm laughing hysterically!!

  2. Is it wrong if the whole time I was reading this, I was thinking about how RIGHT you were that pads would make the most awesome beanie baby beds ever?

  3. Haha this is hilarious. I was dying the whole time. Not to give too much detail, but I seriously didnt know what was happening when I first had my period. My mom hadn't warned me fairly, like your mom did. Haha

  4. hahahahah THIS IS THE BEST THING I HAVE EVER HEARD! i love you and all your stories.

  5. Oh Aimee, that is truly TRAUMATIZING! Yes, I was well aware what my period was when I actually did start it, and I am grateful for that :)

  6. I love the visual of 20 beanie babies sleeping on pads, hahahaha! Too good.

  7. I thought I knew everything! Not true! This story is hilarious and I'd never heard it before. I got such a kick out of it and could just see you and your Mom having the talk. Danielle you have a way of putting pictures in people's minds and that is a sign of a great writer! Thanks for a fun story! Love you!

  8. hahaha! That was so random and exactly the kind of laugh I needed for the day :) so funny!!



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