5 Why It Won't Work Between Us

I am dating someone so I'm now able to tell an old story about staying home alone on a weekend night without it looking like that's what I currently do even though that's what I'm currently doing.....

A couple months ago I was sitting at a bar stool alone in my apartment eating a grapefruit and watching  my hamster, Boots with the Fur, play in his cage. This is perfectly okay, except that it was a Friday night.
I was tired.
I wanted to enjoy my snack and hamster running on his wheel in peace.
A few minutes later, Rach and Wes came over. My sister laughed for a little too long after stumbling upon this scene, "Okay. I have to know, how long has this been going on?"

"What?! Why?! What? I don't know... 15 minutes."

She laughed again.

A few hours later, they left. Soon after, there was a knock at my door. It was my sister again. "Okay, I'm sorry, I just can't get that image of you, Boots and your grapefruit out of my head. Please just come over and hang out with us."

Okay, I will admit, at that moment, I was probably experiencing the lamest, lowest of lows of being a 20 something, currently friendless, single girl. But I really need to talk about why my life has turned out this way.

It's called, "why it won't work between us." It's not me, it's you. All true stories.

It won't work between us because you like Lord of the Rings way too much.

It won't work between us because, and I'm going to be honest here, I think our genes combined would make ugly children. It won't work between us because you screamed louder than I did in the haunted house. It won't work because you're in the top 10 most selfish people ever to exist in the entire world. It won't work between us because you've been off your mission for a solid 6 years and still have a very defined side part. It won't work between us because 20 years from now, if we were married and someone broke in the house, I think I'd be the one reaching for the bat and in that case, we'd most definitely both die. It won't work between us because you made me hold your coins at the Nickelcade while you played all the games. And you chose really, really dumb games.

This is why my mom has nicknamed me Sweeper. I've worked so hard for that nickname.